| Alright, rumor has it my last update was boring. Patience, children...it makes the world go 'round. Actually, that post was just leading up to this one. I'm not even sure that many people will read this, because not many people read/comment/care about my xanga anymore. But it doesn't matter-- I'll ramble simply for the sake of putting thoughts out there. So you may be wondering, why the heck does she keep talking about finding the edge and why is it even an issue? Well, it's a little relevant to my life right now. About a month ago, I started going to yoga classes, just for the heck of it. [Insert snickers, snorts and all comedic responses here.] It was pretty hard in the beginning, because the tension in my body was slowing me down, the room was extremely hot (upwards of 90 degrees), and there was no way that my body was going to bend in the same direction as everyone else's. But for some oddly sadistic reason, I went back the next day for some more torture. I slowly realized that yoga is not about being able to model everyone else's pose, looking "right," or being flexible--it's about trusting yourself and following your instinct in the case of unfamiliar difficulties. It's so hard to forget about mastering a skill and just focus on yourself for an hour or so, and to just let yourself fall on your face if necessary. Once you give yourself the necessary patience for that small period of time, it seems to carry over into the rest of your life, in so many situations.
Time after time, day after day, the various instructors talk about finding the edge--the place where we are challenged but not hurting ourselves, so that we feel our bodies are aware of sensations, but do not feel a great deal of pain. The more I think about this idea, the more I apply it to other areas of my life. I think about all of the times that I have done what was easy, comfortable and routine, just because I didn't want to put myself out there. Who really wants to risk failure, embarrassment, disappointment or discouragement? (Rhetorical question) But seriously...I've thought about the ways that this could apply to everything in my life. Why not take the challenge that each day presents?
I'm not referring to doing anything drastic...not selling my soul, not travelling to far off, exotic third world countries(at least not on a regular basis), etc. I just don't want to hesitate...gaining the edge means acquiring more confidence and self-assuredness, which shapes everything from there. For the most part, I know my capabilities. But it's that little nagging feeling of self-doubt that sometimes ruins things. It could potentially make me question everything that has happened and will happen in my life, and what it means. But you know what? Instead of letting it keep me stagnant, I'd rather just embrace it. Yes, I'll have a slight pit at the bottom of my stomach, one that only the unknown can dig. But that definitely makes being at the top of the mountain so much more exhilirating. It's just a matter of finding the balance...it's ok to marvel at the wonders around you, and be amazed at how much you don't know.
I'm hoping I can keep this mentality as I wait, in excruciating patience, for an answer from U of M's School of Social Work. All the admissions office has to say is, "well...we can't even really give you a loose timeline. just call back in three to four weeks, and hopefully we can tell you more then."
All good...It's all gonna work out, even though i'm floating in midair right now. But I refuse to fall...must be the edge talking?
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you all. 